Outside This Room
by Little-Clementine
Summary: Dimitri leaves the Academy, and Rose is pissed. Yet, how does their relationship grow and evolve without Lissa in the equation? They have to manage the Moroi world and its rules while trying to find space for each other. Can it work? Takes place mid Shadow Kiss and beyond.
1. Chapter 1

This takes place during Shadowkiss, sometime after Rose's "breakdown".

CHAPTER 1.

"Then, Ryan started hitting on Camilla the second Shane left for the bathroom, which was a big mistake, because literally three seconds later, Alberta, out of fucking nowhere, grabbed him by the neck and swung him into like three desks, knocking them all over, and then "killing" me and Zelkos. Man, you wouldn't believe the bitching out he got. Now, Shane is pissed at him for flirting with Camilla, he's got a huge black mark on his record, as well as a cracked rib. Let me tell you, for someone so small, Alberta can definitely bench like four times her weight."

Christian grinned triumphantly while retelling his first hand accounts of the gossip that has been circling St. Vlads since second period. I would be sucking up this dirt like a sponge, especially since Ryan had been a major ass since my two year "vacation", yet a story really loses its charm after hearing it twenty five times. Lissa was trying to seem attentive to her boyfriend, but vibes of indifference were radiating through the bond. Adrian looked drunk, and Eddie hella bored. So it seemed like a usual lunch.

I was mid-bite of what seemed like a Caesar salad - although the chicken tasted suspicious - when Lissa interjected.

"Did it hurt? When she grabbed you?"

"Well yeah, slightly, I have a bruise." Christian mused, trying to look macho as Lissa "awww"ed and leaned in for a kiss.

At the mention of a bruise, Adrian looked up, "Oh really? Here, let me try-" Adrian pulled down Christians shirt to better reveal the bruise.

"You're not actually gonna try heal that? That's not even a bruise, it's a mosquito bite. Suck it up." I sounded more harsh than I meant to be, but I couldn't help it. I was ready to get back into bed and sleep off this day, but it wasn't even midnight.

First off, I woke up before the sun was even close to setting to get in a training session with Dimitri, which was cut off ten minutes in because some strange man with the weirdest beard interrupted us to talk to Dimitri. The whole conversation was in Russian, so I had no clue what was going on, until Dimitri ended the session to go talk to the guy in private. Not as if I could understand anyway. Then, I missed breakfast to have a grating therapy session, where Deirdre interrogated me until I was past the point of madness. When I got out of the session, I got to hear about how I missed out on the opportunity to beat Alberta, if only I had been with Christian instead of the fucking therapists. Let's just say the day was putting me in a shitty mood.

"Rose." Lissa gave me the 'don't start anything' eyes, but was too drained from her spirit class with Adrian to even bother break up the inevitable fight.

Not giving my insult a second thought, Christian smirked sardonically, "Have fun in therapy? Has she asked you yet if you have had sexual thoughts about your mother?"

Anger started boiling up in my chest at a surprising speed. Him making fun of my therapy seemed as if he lost the trust he had in me. I thought he was the only one who would not make fun of me for seeing Mason.

"Christian!" Lissa narrowed her eyes, "Guys, stop. We've all had a hard day…"

I sensed Lissa had something else to say, and sighed.

"Just say it, Lissa."

"And also, Freud's Oedipus complex states that a child is attracted to the parent of the opposite sex, and wants to kill the parent of the same sex. So… Rose would want to kill her mother, not have sex with her."

"Ew." I shuddered even at the thought. "Smartass."

Lissa blushed, "What? You know it's important to be as accurate as possible."

"Smartass." Eddie grinned, taking a bite of his apple.

Christian and I dropped our conversation, partially due to the adorableness of Lissa not being able to stop herself from always correcting us, and because the conversation had turned towards parents, which was no mans land for either of us.

Before anything else was said, I sensed him. Dimitri was walking through the rows of students eating, eyes focused on our table.

"Well look who's making a special appearance." Adrian drawled, noticing what was diverting my attention.

I shot him a glare as I stated, "he probably wants to schedule another training session after cancelling ours this morning," before taking a last bite of my salad and walking towards him. Lissa would take care of my tray.

"What's up?" I asked, when we reached each other in the middle of the cafeteria.

"Rose, we need to talk."

His tone was sombre, and he didn't make eye contact, which was very unusual for blunt and honest Dimitri. He turned and started walking to the gardens, me following on his heels. After the therapy session, I ran into him in the hall, where he seemed preoccupied and distant. He didn't respond to the joke I cracked. He promised to explain later before leaving me in his dust; I guess now was later.

When we reached a secluded bench in the park, hidden behind a large rhododendron, Dimitri sat me down before starting to pace in front of me. He seemed to be going over what he was going to say in his head.

"Okay." I stood, feeling nervous at the sight of Dimitri pacing, but he turned and gently pushed me to sit down again. "Is this your idea of a romantic getaway? Because if so, you're not very good at romancing, buddy."

Dimitri finally stopped the nerve-wracking pacing to give me a dry look and to roll his eyes. Ah, there was the exasperated Dimitri I know. I wiggled my eyebrows, trying to lighten the tense atmosphere.

It seemed to work, as Dimitri sat next to me with a sigh. It was the first sound I'd hear from him since his 'we need to talk' bomb.

"How's your arm?" He asked.

"Purple," I stated, rubbing my arm and wincing. The bruise was evidence of a particularly tough session yesterday. "A very pretty purple, as a matter of fact. But you seem to be avoiding whatever you have to tell me, so spill."

I was met with a silent front, a silence that was unbearable, as opposed to the usual calming silences I had with Dimitri.

"What's- What's going on? Who was that man? Why are you so quiet and nervous? You know I hate when I'm not in the loop-"

I was rambling before I realised I was rambling. I tried to controlling the flipping going on in my stomach.

Dimitri finally met my eyes, and the next words out of his mouth caused my stomach to drop, the sensation matching that of the second you fall on a drop tower.

"I- I'm leaving."

"What?"

"That man you saw earlier, he was Ivan's father and lately, the Zeklos numbers have been dwindling so he asked me to be his guardian as his last two have died and retired-"

"Hold up." I silenced him with a raised hand. "No. You're not- you can't be…"

The regret in his eyes, his unusually expressive eyes, told the whole story. He was leaving. Leaving Lissa. Leaving St. Vladimir. Leaving _me_.

"No…"

"Rose." He grabbed the arm I had raised, and his warm touch left my skin vulnerable as I ripped my hand from his and back away. "Rose, let me explain this, okay? I really don't want to leave."

I stopped shaking my head, as I had finally decided on an emotion to settle on. Pure wrath.

"Then don't. If you're going to leave, don't act as if you don't have a choice. At least man up to leaving me."

"I'm _not_ leaving you. I'm just getting reassigned. This has nothing to do with our relationship. If I could stay…" He trailed of at the anger I was radiating, knowing if he talked anymore he would probably be punched.

"You're leaving. After all the shit you put me through at Christmas, with you thinking about leaving with Tasha, how can you say this fucking 'reassignment' isn't personal? Who is _special_ enough for you to abandon me?"

"You're being dramatic-"

" _Don't call me dramatic._ " I all but growl.

"I am not abandoning you, okay! This is tough for me too. Do you think I wanna leave? After everything I have established here? But I have a death on my hand, Rose, and before you understand how that guilt follows you everywhere, you have no right to judge my decision."

"Ivan didn't die while you were on duty, okay? That was not your fault. I understand the guilt, but is the guilt so overwhelming that you're going to throw your life away to make up some fucking 'debt' that doesn't even exist?"

Now it was his turn to shake his head, "I'm not throwing anything away. What life exactly do I have here? I watch classes being taught and I'm pining after the student I'm teaching…" He runs a hand through his hair, a gesture that conveys his aggravation. "Rose, I can't do this anymore. What we have isn't healthy, not now at least. But I'm not walking away. I'll stay in touch as much as possible, I'll- I'll send emails, texts, I don't know, maybe even letters. I'm not giving you up… I can't give you up."

Our whole interaction felt like a slap to my face. But I wouldn't let the man who was basically leaving me see me weak. I couldn't.

"Whatever," I crossed my arms, moving further away from him. "I get it. You've played your game with me and now your done, message understood."

"That is so wrong and you know it." He grabbed for my arms but I moved back, stepping into the rhododendrons. Fucking rhododendrons. "Rose, I need you…" He sounded like a wounded dog, but I was too busy licking my own wounds to lick his too.

"Go to hell." I grumbled before stalking off, only realising half way across campus that I was crying. Dimitri didn't follow.

—


	2. Chapter 2

The familiar number flashed on my new phone, the number not saved into my contacts. I pressed ignore on instinct, as I have done numerous times over the last few weeks. However, every time I saw his number, or a text or an email from him, my mood plummeted.

Lissa, who was sitting behind me on her bed cross-legged, trying to braid my hair into some kind of fancy twist, sighed as she saw me ignore the call.

"You know, maybe you should answer one of these times. Hear him out."

It was two hours past curfew on a Tuesday, and Lissa and I were alternating between playing with each others hair, some horror movie running in the background. If it weren't for the various books and old scriptures about spirit bizarrely splayed across the room, I would think that we were back in Portland, on our little 'vacation'. It felt like before spirit and Victor and… Dimitri.

"Excuse me, I did answer him. Once."

I could literally hear the eye-roll. "Emailing him 'fuck off' and then blocking his email is not responding."

"Well, if he wanted to stay in contact so desperately, he could have just stayed. And besides… I emailed him that there is no way anyone would willingly leave the Dragomir princess to guard some Zelkos Lord, so I obviously was not good enough for him. Then I emailed him to 'fuck off' and blocked his email."

Lissa compassionately squeezed my shoulders. It felt good to finally be able to talk to her about everything, and not get caught up in all the secrets and lies. It was in some ways a blessing, Dimitri's disappearance, as it somehow managed to fix the rift that had grown between Lissa and I since returning to St. Vlads.

After Dimitri unveiled that he was leaving, I hid out in bicycle shed at the elementary school campus, crying my eyes raw. That shed was the place where

Lissa and I used to hide together and talk, so it was no surprise when she found me there, hours later, hiding from the world. I told everything. I couldn't bear it anymore.

Since then, we are basically attached at the hip, much to the annoyance of Christian. For the rest of that first week, she helped me evade Dimitri, who constantly was trying to push his bullshit propaganda of 'I'm not leaving you,' onto me. She checked every corner and managed to sweet talk one of the administrative workers into giving her his work schedules, so we could see when to avoid him.

Once he left, it hurt more than I thought it would. It was as if I was experiencing phantom pains, even though all my limbs were attached. I would normally scold myself for being so seemingly dependant on someone, but Lissa quickly manage to fill that extra gap.

When I saw his name on the caller id the first time and slammed my phone into the wall, yelling profanities at the broken piece of glass and metal, Lissa was already on her laptop ordering an updated version of my phone by express shipping.

When I snuck into her room one night because I just couldn't take the loneliness, Lissa proceeded to quickly shove Christian onto the floor, and spooned me until I fell asleep to the smell of her minty toothpaste breath. Christian didn't stop complaining about that until weeks after. Lissa definitely had the right priorities.

She enjoyed taking care of me, as I had been taking care of her a lot since Spirit became a thing in our lives. Now, with Dimitri's incessant need to try and contact me to stay involved with me, I needed her more than ever. It was in Lissa's nature to nurture the wounded, and I was definitely wounded.

Wounded, and very, very angry. It seems I manifested my pain into anger, resulting into destruction of property. I would get rage fits during the most bizarre moments, even when they had nothing to do with Dimitri. The therapist, after I vaguely described what was happening, told me it was probably my unconsciousness acting up in specific moments, yet seemed baffled when these moments had no common tread. Three weeks after Dimitri left, I now have to replace a broken lamp from the common room, a broken bookshelf from the library (this resulted in a library ban) and a broken chair from my room.

"Hey," Lissa shook me out of my train of thought as she was still threading and braiding my hair, "Don't think so much. We all know if you think too much it ends in disaster."

At that I smiled.

"I can't help it. You know how weirdly emotional this whole thing has gotten me. I don't exactly like thinking that much either. I want to be the girl that doesn't take everything so seriously again."

"Well, that girl died as soon as we decided to leave the Academy. Rose, you're so passionate and strong headed about the things you care, so it obviously hurts more than you expect when things don't work out your way."

I sighed, "I just… I don't know. I'm not exactly used to crying over guys. This is new territory, and you're being a very good tour guide, so thank you."

"Hey!" Liss whacked my arm, "Are you saying I cry so much over guys, I'm the tour guide? That's so rude."

I turned my head to see her grinning at me, flashing her shiny fangs. I smiled back, until her grin turned into a grimace.

"I don't know what I did to your hair, but to defend myself, you were moving a lot?"

I stood to view the braided updo Lissa has been working on for a decent twenty minutes in the mirror. It was absolutely horrendous, and nothing like the photoshopped girl in the magazine Lissa had been getting instructions from.

"Oh my God."

"I can fix it, I think? Okay, you just have too much hair to work with and-"

"Lissa, shut up," I started laughing at the absurdity of my hair. "I found one thing perfect Lissa Dragomir can't do: style hair."

I raised my hand to take out the pins and ties, but found everything glued shut with hairspray. It only added fuel to my laughter. "What the actual fuck were you thinking?"

Lissa was laughing super hard as well, trying to rip out the pins out.

"I- I- I- can't explain myself… I really can't."

Our hysterics were interrupted by a banging on Lissa's door. Uh oh. We were busted. I quickly dropped to the floor and rolled under the bed, in action movie speed. Lissa paused the horror movie, where the ditzy chick was being murdered brutally, and tiptoed to the door.

"Don't worry, its just me. Open up." Christians hushed voice rang through the door, and I made my way out from under the bed. That was a horrible hiding place anyway.

"Hey babe," Lissa smacked her lips to his in a peck, still giggling. "It's way past curfew, what are you doing here?"

"Yeah, you're cramping our style." I shot him a glare at interrupting our girls night, but considering how many date nights I have been crashing lately, I can't be too mad. It's hard to share Lissa.

Christian took one look at my hair, horrified, "I would have a witty comeback for you Rose, but just looking at your hair is traumatising me."

I rolled my eyes smiling, as Lissa starting trying to undo the strange braids. Christian and I have come to somewhat of a truce while I was coping with being mentor-less. He seemed to understand I was going through something, and therefore needed more time with Lissa. He, however, assumed this was because my supposed PTSD was acting up. Either way, I appreciated it, even though we did still exchange daily insults.

"Word of advice: if your girlfriend ever asks to try out a hairstyle she saw in a magazine, run. Run to Idaho." I said.

"Hey!" Lissa nudged me as I turned on the horror movie again, screeches of pain ringing through the room, "It's your own fault for growing out your hair. If you kept your hair short, we would not be in this situation. Now seriously, what are you doing here?"

Irritation seeped through the bond. This was unusual; Lissa never felt annoyed at Christian's presence. Did they have a fight?

"What does it look like? I'm crashing a weekday sleepover. I never had one of those, so this will be fun." Christian spread himself out on Lissa's bed, stretching like a cat.

"Christian," my hair was forgotten as Lissa turned to focus her attention on him, "I spent all day with you. You have to respect that I need time with Rose too; she is my best friend after all."

Lissa spoke calmly, sounding very diplomatic, but through the bond I could feel the turmoil knotting up her stomach. He had rubbed her the wrong way.

"Oh, as opposed to me, the lowly boyfriend?" Christian didn't seem to grasp how serious Lissa was being, and just rolled off her comment with a joke.

Something snapped. It consumed Lissa.

"The lowly boyfriend who needs to understand when he is wanted and not fucking wanted." Lissa swearing is so rare I forgot what it sounded like.

Silence reigned as I sat uncomfortably on the bed, feeling like the women being murdered onscreen. Watching couples fight is rarely fun.

"I get it. It all depends on you, huh? This relationship has to all be on your terms or there's no relationship at all, right?" Christian's eyes were flaming.

"Guys." I hold up my hands, feeling guilty about being the reason they begun to fight. They ignored me.

"Excuse me, I am very compromising about making this work-"

"Oh really, what compromises? You-"

"Guys! Stop!"

"-But if you don't respect my wishes and my time, you don't respect me, obviously. Did your parents never teach you to respect people?"

Lissa's question shut us all up. Christian looked like he had just been slapping in the face.

That's when I felt it. A murky little ball of anger progressively starts clinging and spreading itself through my body, until I was consumed by it.

Lissa had already started begging for forgiveness, saying she didn't mean it that way, while my fists clenched into her sheets. I could have murdered in that moment.

Christian and Lissa's incessant conversation infiltrated my train of thought, and made me realise that they were the reason I was having this anger episode again. Lissa felt much calmer through the bond, but I just grabbed my bag, and left the room, slamming the door behind me.

I saw the dorm matron turn the corner, so I walked the opposite direction, ignoring her telling me stop. If I stopped for the dorm matron now, I would do something I regretted. Like hit her. Or worse.

Once I exited the dorm, the fresh spring air and sun did little to calm me down. Normally these would be the moments I'm at my most serene, but honestly the sun was just too bright, the birds were too loud, the wind was too cold. It was all pissing me off.

I walked straight to my own dorm, not caring if I am caught. My bag was constantly knocking against my leg so I smashed it against a tree and leave it there.

I took five more steps before I turned back to pick it up, but kicked the tree as hard as I could. Violence was the only way I calmed down. My toe throbbed with every step back to my dorm, until I threw open my own door, and sat on my cold bed.

I took a moment to breath in the stale, cold air through my nose. The curtains darkened the room to the extent that I couldn't see anything.

I checked through the bond, hoping to get some positive emotions, only to find them already half naked. Guess they have forgiven each other quickly. Looks like Lissa and Christian were only trying to get rid off me to fuck.

Fuck Christian.

Fuck Lissa.

Fuck _Dimitri._

The memory of his face pushed me to my feet. I grabbed blindly at anything, and threw the object at the wall. I heard a satisfying crack as I moved onto the next thing I could throw. This item I recognised as a book, and dropped it on the floor and stepped on it so I could crack the spine.

Fuck books. Dimitri read books.

I grabbed the next book, but I recognised this one due to the leather texture. It was a book on spirit I read when I can't sleep. I hesitate. This anger, after all these times of experiencing it these past few weeks, it felt familiar. But not familiar in the way that I had experienced it before, but in a way that I've read about it.

This anger, it was the same anger as Lissa's, and probably Adrian's if he weren't self-medicating. I throw the book, but not with as much force as before.

This wasn't my anger, this was Lissa's. But no matter who's anger it was, I was still being ripped up inside, feeling the urge to burn down my room.

 _If only I could forgive as quickly as Lissa and Christian._

Lissa's cool, content feelings hummed through the bond, being the the only thing that is keeping me sane right now. But I needed my own Christian to anchor me to sanity. I _had_ my own Christian.

I sunk to the floor as I rifled through my bag, praying to God that I grabbed my phone as I left Lissa's. My heart was racing as my mind conjuring images of despicable things I could be doing instead. _Those thoughts aren't me,_ I told myself.

I found my phone, and with shaking hands tried calling Dimitri. I misdialed twice before I could actually press my phone to my ear, measuring my heart rate to the beeps, waiting for him to pick up.

 _Please_ pick up.

Cool relief spilled over me as I heard rustling over the phone, but the release only lasted a moment before my mind fogged up with violence again.

"Hello?" His voice is laced with sleep, which makes sense considering how late it is. "Rose?"

My name from his mouth shocked me, and the longing I felt for him was distraction enough for me. I tried to control my erratic breathing before I could respond.

"Is everything alright?" I wanted to shout at him, to slam my phone into the wall again.

"No," is all I can respond. I needed to stop shaking.

"Rose, are you having a panic attack? Your breathing is way too fast."

I didn't respond.

"Listen to my voice and breath. Like that one time we did in practice. Breath in," I could hear him demonstrate, but my mind was too foggy to process. "Hold your breath for two seconds, then breath out. Breath in…"

We sat like this for a while. Me on my uncomfortable bedroom floor, clinging to my phone and trying to follow his instructions and battling whatever was consuming me, while Dimitri was in his room, God knows where, teaching me, just as he always did.

He did succeed, after a long time, to clear my brain.

"I think…" I stuttered, "I think its gone."

"Okay," His voice was brimming with question but I was too fragile to answer any at this point and he realized. He always knew when to talk.

"Can you stay? I mean," my voice was rough and hard to understand, "can you just… talk or something? Tell me how its going."

He understood that I just needed to hear his voice, and talked about nothing important, about how he bought groceries today but forgot the milk. How could I stay mad at someone as amazing as him?

I lay my head down on the ground, and grabbed a discarded jumper and used it as a pillow. I was so exhausted at this point that I could not exactly discern what Dimitri was talking about, but his baritone voice was like a lullaby.

I don't know if I dreamed this or if it actually happened, but I whisper, "I need you," right before I fell asleep.

—

 **I'm kind of insecure about this chapter, so please review**


	3. Chapter 3

EDITED: Hey, thanks for letting me know the formatting was weird on this chapter. I don't know what happened but I fixed it :)

* * *

I had no idea what time it was.

The last twenty four hours - has it been twenty four? It was dark again, so I would assume so - felt surreal, yet the injured guardians and teachers and students overfilling the medical wing of St. Vladimir's reminded me that the attack happened. Strigoi attacked the school, the only place where I had always felt naïvely safe.

I helped Eddie limp towards the only empty chair I could see, and sit him down. The smile he shot me showed that he was just as shocked to the core as me. I kneeled in front of him, applying some of the gauze that was in a cart to his open face wound and the blood stopped trickling down his chin as the gauze begun soaking it up. I looked around to see if there were any nurses or doctors available. Of course they weren't.

Behind us, the door opened and my mother and Alberta brought in the last of the captured that we had rescued from the cave.

Alberta gave me a look of gratitude, as my mother rushed to find someone to help the guardian that was bleeding profusely from the leg. If I had not been surrounded by dying patients, I might have been feeling pride right now, since I was the one that forced the guardian council to save all the captured from the strigoi, even though I was mainly going for Eddie. It took a battle, but once Mason told me exactly where they were located, I managed to convince my mother of my argument, and once you have legendary Janine Hathaway on your side, no guardian will say no to you.

I nodded back at Alberta, and then my mum stormed back in with Adrian in tow. Adrian, once he reached the hallway, seemed shocked at the mere mass of injured out here in the hallway as well. Through the bond I could see Lissa working diligently on inside the medical ward, which was just as overflowing as out here. God, this attack had been brutal.

A thought tickled my mind that I repressed. Now was not the time or place to think about it.

Adrian stepped towards me once his eyes had landed on me, and with each step towards me he sped up, which ended up with him jogging towards me until he could wrap his arms around me tightly. I ignored the negative feedback I was getting from my bruised body, and hugged him back just as hard. This was one of the rare moments where Adrian had no laughter in his eyes at all, and I felt oddly responsible to make the laughter appear there again.

"You're okay," he whispered into my shoulder, and I felt his need for comfort in that moment, as he kept clinging onto my body. I needed to pass some of my fleeting strength onto him. He had to get back to work and help healing people.

I ended the hug by placing my hands on his shoulder and pushing him away, looking him straight in the eyes. "Yes, of course I'm okay. Now, go and use some of those superpowers you have." I nodded my head towards the guardian bleeding all over the floor, who probably was not feeling very grateful about how long our reunion was taking us.

Once Adrian saw the wounded, he moved quickly, exposing my mother who was standing behind him, staring at me tensely. She still had the warrior look in her eyes, as if the battle was long from over. For me, however, the adrenaline was rushing out of my body, as if Adrian had taken it with him as he worked on the guardian full speed.

I was beyond exhausted. I tried to remember the last time I slept, but my mind couldn't think that far back.

Looking away from my mother, I faced Eddie again, and saw his eyes flutter shut.

"No," I leaned over to shake him, "You have to stay awake, Eddie. You most likely have a concussion, from the looks of that wound."

I grabbed another piece of gauze, and replaced it with the one that was soaked with blood now. I have had enough mild concussions to know sleeping was bad, and this looked like more than a mild concussion.

Eddie mumbled something incomprehensible, yet fought to keep his eyelids open.

"Good." I smiled, but smiling felt weird. It wasn't right to smile right now.

"Excuse me," A woman I didn't recognize, probably a teacher, asked. "Could I have some gauze too?" She had a pretty nasty arm wound.

Before I could grab more gauze, my mothers hand grabbed mine.

"No," she said in the most motherly voice I had ever heard her from her. "You will do no more work. You will go straight to bed and sleep."

"But-"

"She grabbed the gauze and passed it to the woman, as well as taking the gauze I was pressing to Eddie's head from me so she could do my job instead.

"I will take over from here and take care of your friend. I'm serious, Rose. You need to know your limits, and after all this craziness, you're definitely over your limits."

I felt torn between fighting my mother on this, as I did on every other matter, or just giving in for once. I felt ready to pass out in about any position right about now, but I was very protective over Eddie.

"What about Lissa, she-"

"I will tell Lissa that you were sent to bed by your mum. She'll understand." I heard Adrian over my shoulder. It was clear he was trying to joke, but his heart just wasn't into it.

I felt Lissa through the bond, and said, "No, don't interrupt her right now. She's in her zone." And it was true, she had never felt more useful than she was right now.

"Now go." My mother commanded.

"Go…" Even Eddie smiled at me as he forced out the words, and that is what broke me. I stood to leave after squeezing both the hands of Eddie and my mother.

Just before leaving the ward, I saw Alberta hugging a dhampir child, to focused to notice me leave.

* * *

I returned to my room after I took a scalding shower to try and wipe off all the dirt and blood and death and sorrow. As I stood in my room, two towels wrapped around my body and hair, I felt completely useless. All the killing was done now… so what did I do now?

I changed into a big sweater and shorts, then crashed onto my bed, my muscles painfully exhausted. I grabbed my phone, which I had forgotten before dinner yesterday, before all the shit happened. It was dead; I plugged it in before staring intently at the ceiling.

It was all over and deadly quiet. I strained my ears, but nothing. Even the birds knew to stay away.

It was then I started crying. Short and violent weeps escaped me, yet it felt more cleansing than the shower did, as I kept repeating "it was _over_ " in my head. The unimaginable had happened: an army of strigoi crossed the wards, and it was over now.

I needed to pull myself together; I had lost no one I had been especially close to. But the loss was deeply felt across the whole campus. My phone beeped alive, so I wiped at my tears, wishing them out of existence. I picked up my phone, begging that the only person, after Lissa, who I wanted to talk to tonight was still awake.

The bright analog figures finally told me to time. It was 22:46.

And then my phone buzzed alive, alerting me to 11 missed calls, and 18 texts, all from Dimitri.

I quickly scanned through the texts. From my experience with Dimitri, he was a man of few texts, and fewer calls. Ever since my little darkness breakdown, Dimitri and I had kept in contact, which basically meant I called him up when I had time, and Dimitri sent me a text summing up his day, which normally lead to a text conversation with many emojis from my side.

But this was different.

The first text I received from him was a response to an old text, where we were discussing the weirdest things we've eaten. Ew, he's eaten cow tongue.

Then:

 _I just got an update that there is strigoi activity at St. Vladimir. What happened?_

 _I was informed the school is locked down due to a strigoi attack. Please tell me you are in your room where you are supposed to be._

 _Please, don't do anything stupid, Rose. Not tonight._

 _I'm assuming that you have managed to convince the teacher to let you fight, so remember everything I taught you. Just a tiny slip can lead to something irreversible._

 _Please call me back. Please be okay. PLEASE._

 _heard a novice was fighting alongside a fire wielding student. I'm very proud of you Rose, but you will not hear the end of this from the teachers…_

 _God I wish you would just text me back with all those stupid little smileys._

 _The attack's over. I know you'll be exhausted, but I need to know you're okay. I'll even start texting smileys._

 _It's been eighteen hours since I've last heard from you. I'm getting very little information. I wish I had never left you there alone._

 _I have to work in a thirty minutes, but I will keep my phone close. If you don't respond soon I'll hunt down Vasilisa's number._

 _YOU ARE GOING ON A RESCUE MISSION?_

 _Vasilisa told me, please call me back, the mission is only supposed to start in an hour._

 _Please be careful, Rose. These missions are very dangerous. And definitely, do NOT be the last person to come out. Always have someone watch your back._

 _I'm very proud of you. You've come very far since coming back to the academy. I just really wish I had your bond with Lissa, so I would know what's going on right now._

 _T_ he last few texts were along the same lines, and I hadn't even bothered to hear the voice mails before calling him. He was worried. Extremely worried. And although it caused some warm flutters in my stomach, I did not want to place him in this position. I would hate if the situation were reversed.

While the beeping signalled the call, I contemplated what he had said about still being at the academy. It was very selfish, and he probably would have saved many lives, but for the first time since Dimitri moved, I felt glad he did so. If he had been here, he would have been another person I needed to worry about, and I would have worried a lot. Dimitri lived to see another day, by staying out of harm.

"Hello? Roza? Are you-" Desperation threaded his words, and I was shocked at how emotional he sounded. I've never heard his emotions so clearly.

"I'm right here and I'm totally fine," I sniffled. Well, so much for that lie.

The sigh of relief I heard across the line sounded more like a sob, and there was some ruffling from his side.

"Oh God, Rose, I am so, so relieved…"

"Hey, did you doubt all the kickass moves you taught me?"

"No matter how prepared you are, facing a Strigoi is always tough. I can't imagine how horrible it must have been for you. Did you get any injuries? Did any of your friends get hurt?"

I smiled, despite myself. I kind of enjoyed the worry; it almost felt like he was tucking me into bed.

"Nah, we're mostly fine. But… I don't think this school will recover anytime soon. The campus will always feel like a graveyard from here on out." I was surprised at the tears welling up again. God, get a grip.

"Oh Roza. It all takes time. But all that matters right now is taking care of your own." His words were pretty standard, but the feeling that he understood the root of troubles was more comforting and intimate than if someone had been sitting beside me.

I closed my eyes. They stung from being open too long.

"Yeah…"

A silence hung between us, until Dimitri broke it with a Russian swore.

"Rose, you don't understand how relieved I am… After I didn't hear from you in so long… My mind started thinking the worst. Do you know how many scenarios there are? Millions. I barely did my job correctly, so thank God that he didn't leave the apartment last night. I just… I wish I could make you feel the relief I feel over the pain you must be experiencing. I'm so sorry."

That had to be the most heartfelt thing I've ever heard. I couldn't keep my emotions in control, so I begun ranting.

"The eyes, that was the worst. Over and over, I would look into those red ringed eyes, and just think of who must have loved those eyes, like I love Lissa's eyes… or yours. And then, in those finally seconds after I staked them, I swore I saw a flicker in their eyes, of the life they had before becoming strigoi. Like their souls had returned for a spilt second. I feel so _guilty_. I get it Dimitri, all this guilt you constantly feel." I rambled on, getting incomprehensible towards the end, but Dimitri just listened, and I wished to God that he would come here so I could touch him right now. I needed his touch.

I sighed, "I just want to forget it. I want to vanish everything from my memory. Can I do that?"

"I'm afraid not. This will probably go down in history as a scar, a reminder of the worst situation. How could the wards even be so weak?"

He had asked it as a rhetorical question, but I needed to talk. "It was Jesse and those fucking friends of his."

"What?"

I launched into the story of the Mânā and their stupid torture-initiation ritual, and how they fucking dared to touch Lissa, and how I had beaten them up (which Dimitri sounded slightly proud over even though he denied it) and how I had taken the darkness from Lissa, and how Alberta had to take me on a walk in the forest to cool me off, although she had to restrain me from running off several times, and how she saw a pair of eyes in the dark and all of a sudden there were two strigoi, and how she made me run back to school to tell all the teachers buria, and all the fighting that occurred after and Christian and Eddie and the cave… and then how my mother sent me to bed.

He laughed at me. "Even after everything you've been through tonight, you still can't follow simple instructions."

"Hey, would you rather I sleep, or talk to you."

"I'm gonna be selfish, and say talk to me."

"Yeah, that's what I thought. So that was the last twenty four hours of hell. How's your day been going?" I asked sarcastically.

"Rose…" He sighed. "One more question. What's this… darkness?"

"Oh yeah, we finally figured out why I was so angry all the time."

"Your personality?"

"Ha ha. No. It's… the side effect of spirit, so to say. It's what drove Lissa to her depressive episode. And now I'm absorbing it, and it turns me into a rage machine."

"Wow. Okay." I could hear him think.

I groaned, "I'd love to discuss all this further, but right now I want you to tell me something that's not dark and depressing and horrible. So spirit and strigoi are off the table."

"Hmm. What about birthday's coming up? I heard there was a pretty important one coming up."

I cracked a smile, "Oh yeah? Well, you better buy yourself a party hat, because I'm sure you're the only one who will be celebrating. Not with all this going on here."

"You should celebrate simply making it to that birthday, Rose. You've survived so much. Oh, and also, I sent your present out yesterday, so it might come early. _Do not_ open it before."

"Aww, you got me a present? If you got me a book, I'll send it right back to you."

His laugh was heady to me, especially when I am so sleep deprived.

"No, it's not book. It's nothing big really, but I think you would enjoy it."

I had a habit of falling asleep on him while we were talking on the phone, leading to him joking about how boring he must sound, but honestly it was the most soothing thing to fall asleep to. I tried very hard to stay awake, but I just…

"You know, I haven't heard your voicemails yet. Anything important?"

"Oh. You should probably, um, delete those."

stay…

"No, I won't."

awake.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Okay, I cannot believe I didn't update this in a year! It has seriously not felt that long to me, but this chapter is seriously overdue, and I'm so sorry it took so long. I've gotten back into the jazz of writing, and I feel like I can really get back into this story. I hope you enjoy it!**

I chipped off some more of the beige nail polish as I listened to the names of my classmates be called up alphabetically, to our final exams. The Guardian trial. _I really needed to reapply my nail polish before the graduation party,_ was all my mind let me think about.

Closing my eyes, I blew out a nervous breath, grabbing my phone like a lifeline. I could do this. This was nothing compared to the masses of strigoi I killed at the battle. I scratched my zvezda mark at the reminder.

These weren't my own thoughts, I realized and smiled. They were Lissa's motivational ones infiltrating mine. I had just left her, but she hadn't stopped thinking these thoughts for me, encouraging me. Truthfully, she was just as nervous as me about this trial. It really affected our future with each other.

I looked out into the crowd, spotting Lissa after a moment of searching. She met my eyes too, giving me a double thumbs up, and a fangy grin. Next to her, Christian looked like a cat that had been stepped on, while he held up a sign that Lissa had definitely made him hold up. It says, 'Kick their asses Rose!' with glittery hearts and flowers surrounding it.

"You have a very dedicated little posse there." I spun around to find my mum standing there, glancing at Lissa and Christian and Adrian, who is now joining them.

"Mum? Wha- Why are you here?"

She raised an eyebrow, "Well, some mothers are excited to watch their daughters go to prom. I am excited to watch you pass your guardian exam." Her lips were tinged with a smile.

I gave her an unimpressed look. "Was that supposed to be a joke? Whatever, I don't have time to figure out why you're actually here. I'm kind of busy."

She glanced back out at the audience for a split second before covering it up by looking around me.

"Busy with what exactly?"

I tried to see what she was looking at in the audience. Was that why she was here? Before this year, I could count the amount of times I've seen her on both hands. Why was she here now?

"Well, I was actually meditating until you rudely interrupted me."

"Meditating?" She asked incredulously, "Really? You don't seem like the meditating type."

She seemed surprisingly relaxed, which on some subconscious level relaxed me. Still, I needed to act my part as the bitchy teenage daughter. "I didn't know meditation was restricted to a type. Now if you would excuse me…"

"Okay, I'll join you." My mother sat down along the wall I was leaning against, and closed her eyes. Knowing how focused my mother was, she could probably stay there, against the wall, for hours. I sighed. So much for getting rid of her. All I really wanted to do was text Dimitri.

I closed my eyes as well, and focused on calming my breath so that my heart rate could decrease. Starting this trial with a high heart rate probably wouldn't be very effective. Lissa's encouragements continued through the bond, to the point of annoyance. Lissa is nothing if not dedicated.

I zoned out, until the 'H' category of names started. My turn came alarmingly close. What if I failed? That happened from time to time. What if I make some huge mistake, because I forgot some tactic? I mean, I wasn't the most attentive person in Stan's class.

My phone buzzing in my hand ripped me out of my spiralling thoughts. I opened the new message I got from Dimitri, and my heart started beating harder again. So much for starting without a racing heart.

As a response to my last text, asking 'any last words of zen advice?', he wrote 'Don't fail'.

Then I received two more texts saying, 'I know you can do this, just show everyone else.' and 'Also, look over to Lissa in the crowd'.

"Who are you texting?" I didn't hear my mother as I lurched towards the little window that showed the audience watching Shane savagely beat up two guardian 'strigoi'. There, a row above Lissa, now holding GO ROSE sign I know Liss forced on him, sat Dimitri.

"Fuck!"

"Rose! Who did you see? I can explain what's going on, after the test. I didn't want to add more stress-"

I cut off my mum, confused as hell. "Mum, what? I was talking about Di- um, Guardian Belikov. He's back, and he'll watch my exam. What are _you_ talking about?"

This was too much to handle before the exam that could potentially like, shape my future and that shit. I didn't need my life to interfere right now.

'DIMITRI WHAT THE HELL DO U THINK UR DOING HERE. I HATE SURPRISES.' I texted back viciously, as I saw him wave at me.

Contrary to my words, his presence did cause my stomach to bubble. Did he come all the way here, to watch me? No, I stomped on that thought. His charge probably has relative Moroi graduating tomorrow.

"Oh," my mother was speechless. "Well then, um, forget what I said. Right now, all you should think about is this exam…"

"Nice try. Now, would you please just give me a hug, wish me good luck like any normal mum and leave before I get mad at your lies?"

Mum leaned in to hug me, slightly awkwardly, but it was enough for me.

"Novice Rose Hathaway, you're up next!" Stan roared, and from then on, everything was a blur. I walked out into the field, thinking of Lissa and my friends, Dimitri, my mother, and some stranger my Mum is hiding from me, watching me.

—

Alberta had reassured me I had passed with flying colours, but even by the time my graduation party came around, I was still incredibly tense.

The party was in full swing when I finally arrived, unaffected by my absence. The party was held in the guest dorms, in a conference room Lissa had managed to sweet talk her way into renting. Well actually, I think more than sweet talking was involved, but when Liss puts her mind on a mission, there is no stopping her.

Lissa was the first to pounce and embrace me when I got to the room, smoothing down the golden dress I was wearing.

"Oh my God Rose, you look stunning!" Lissa let me go to twirl me around, but then quickly wrapped her arms around me again, "Rose, we did it! I can't believe we're here, can you? You passed your trials! And tomorrow Christian and I graduate! This is so surreal."

"I know, Liss. It's weird; the St. Vlad chapter of our lives is over." I say, skimming over the bandage covering the back of my neck. Finally, I was a proper Guardian, tattoo and all.

"You're happy about that, right? I know I am. No more Kirova, or curfews, or restrictions. Imagine how much we can do now that we have control over everything in our lives. Without getting in trouble for it, that is." Lissa's eyes glimmered with the choices of her new found freedom.

I laughed at her, positivity being contagious. "You know, I've grown close to Kirova. What will I do with all my spare time now that she can't mindlessly lecture me anymore? And most importantly: what will Olendzki do now that I won't finance her Hawaii vacations anymore?"

"If you feel too guilty, I think I can get the Dragomir foundation to donate to the 'Olendzki Hawaii cause'. I mean, she does deserve a medal for putting up with your injuries." She winked at me, before pulling me by the arm to the drinks table. "I think she might even show up to this. I _did_ invite her."

While Lissa pressed a cool drink into my hand, I scanned the party. The impromptu speakers were much louder than they looked, blasting pop music I could not stand in any other setting. Students of all ages mingled, as well as some Guardian, parents and even a few teachers. Lissa had thrown this party for me, but while the invitations were being spread, the focus had been taken off me and this had become a celebration for the whole Novice class, something I was more than happy to share.

Eddie came up behind me while I reminisced about some of my stranger injuries, and gave me a bear hug. I returned the gesture by messing up his hair.

"Dang Rose, looking hot. There are kids here, you know."

"Everything essential is covered. To what degree, can be discussed." I winked at him, and his smile made me realise just how much I might miss him if he got relocated somewhere far away.

"Well, lucky us, the academy won't be part of that discussion any longer. Cheers to that!" Eddie said, raising his glass.

"Cheers!" Liss and I mimic his gesture and I take a hearty sip of the spiked punch.

"So what were you ladies talking about?" Eddie asked.

"Some of Rose's more… unorthodox injuries." Lissa grinned, and launched back into the story of my broken tailbone, one of the more embarrassing tales of when I threatened to beat up a senior Novice while I was still a freshman, and all he had to do was push me and I landed on my ass so hard I broke my coccyx.

Eddie and Lissa were cracking up at the memories, while I was begging them to remember my more badass injuries, like the broken ribs and dislocated knees.

All the while, I searched the room over and over for him. Dimitri had said he would come, and his promises were ones to be trusted. Normally. I brushed my fingers over the fresh coat of nail polish I was wearing, dark red, to contrast my gold dress.

Meredith and a few other classmates of mine joined in in reminiscing about various accidents we had been a part of over the years, so while they were doing that, it was easy for me to slip off unnoticed.

When I looked back at Lissa, who was absolutely glowing, I was jealous. This graduation meant her freedom: finally free of the bonds of school, finally turning eighteen, finally getting to do what she's always wanted. For me, however, it mean the end of my freedom: my job was to protect her. My life amounted to nothing else in the eyes of society.

"What was that?" I spun around, ashamed I hadn't noticed Christian's presence here before. "Leaving the centre of attention? Voluntarily? That's not the Rose I know."

"Well one of us has to slightly change to keep Lissa on her toes. And since you're fulfilling all the Christian criteria with dark clothes and sarcasm and anti social behaviour at a fucking party, I thought I'd take one for the team." I said.

Christian placed a hand on his heart, or well, as I learned, where he thinks the heart is. "You think of us as a team? Aw Hathaway, you're going all mushy on me."

He leaned in the hug me, and surprising us both, I actually leaned in too and gave him a sincere hug. Guess I actually am going mushy.

"So you were pretty badass at your trial." Christian tried to negate the awkwardness of the hug someplace else. "I swear I saw some Guardians being taken to the clinic once you were through with them."

"Aw, now you're just trying to make me blush, Ozera." I grinned, this information inflating my ego. He shot me a weird look.

"Only for you, that would be blush-worthy." I stuck out my tongue at him. "Oh! I almost forgot. Tasha wanted to talk to you too, probably to congratulate you. Let me just find her."

He looks around himself, trying to track down Tasha, and when he spots her, he waves. I turn, to try and see her too, but when I find her, she was definitely not who I was focusing on.

Dimitri was standing right beside her, in all his delectable glory. _Fuck_ , he looked better than ever, and tonight he was even wearing a blazer, which basically meant I did nothing but obliviously stare at the way his body moved in it, while he was walking.

"Rose! Hi!" Tasha snapped me out of my drooling, but even as she hugged me tight, I managed to look over her shoulder at Dimitri. We established eye contact, and in that moment, I felt like everything changed. This was the first time we were meeting since he left. He was no longer a mentor to me, I was no longer a student or under age. This didn't change the fact that whatever was between Dimitri and I, was more forbidden now than ever.

"Hey Tasha, good seeing you again," I say, having a hard time keeping my eyes off Dimitri. Although we had kept in touch, talking and texting, it felt surreal that he had actually returned.

"I would never miss my favourites nieces-"

"Only niece," Christian interjected with an eye roll.

"-graduation." Tasha finished, unaffected. "Plus, seeing the Guardian trials has always inspired me, seeing what the new generation can achieve. Not even a few years ago, all you Novices could barely throw a punch. Today, you could all take on an army. I mean, you already did."

There was a moment of silence, something that always occurred when the Strigoi attack was brought up. Surprisingly, it was Dimitri who brought us out of the silence.

"Now, Tasha, don't start sounding so old. We all still have a lot of improving to do, when it comes to fighting Strigoi." He joked, eyes shifting between me and her.

I snorted, "Of course it would be you who would start lecturing me about how there's room for improvement on the day I aced the most important test I'll ever take. Things really don't change."

His eyes lit up, accepting the taunt.

"Oh? Acing? Where did you hear that from? From where _I_ was sitting, there were some serious holes in your defensive stance."

"Yes, but you were sitting, along with the audience and everyone else who was _not_ involved with my education, a category you are now part of. And for your information, Alberta told me I aced it, so that's all the praise I need."

He rolled his eyes, "I invested enough of my time into your training to tell you that even though you might have 'aced' it on paper, I could still take you down easily."

"Oh, yeah? Is that a challenge?" I step closer to Dimitri, trying to get into his space and size him up, but he looked more amused at me than intimidated.

"It's a fact, not a challenge. A challenge implies there's an actual possibility of you winning."

Before I could respond, Tasha interrupted, stepping between Dimitri and I. We had gotten a lot closer than either of us realized.

"You guys haven't even greeted each other and you're right back where you stopped. Amazing." Although Tasha meant to say this humour, I think, the tone she was using had an ugly edge to it.

Christian laughed, "To be honest, Rose challenges everyone she meets to fight. She asks me daily, several times. At this point, I think it's genetic."

"Oh yeah? Fight me." I joked.

While I had taken my eyes off Dimitri, I could feel that his eyes were still on me, and all I wanted was to be left alone with him. The tension in our relationship, that manifested the day he left, has built up, and I had no idea how to relieve it. Other than kiss him senseless. But I'm not gonna be that girl, so what I needed to do was either talk to him privately about it, or publicly spar with him. Or both.

"Oh Dimitri, look! It's Alina with her baby! Come!" Tasha took my brief moment of not focusing on Dimitri to her advantage, and started dragging Dimitri by the arm to one of their acquaintances.

"One second," Dimitri replied, and gave me one last look. "I'll see you later-" This statement held a promise I'd definitely make him keep, "And by the way… that's a nice nail polish colour you're wearing."

This compliment caused me to blush a deep, dark red, exactly like the colour of nail polish. Dimitri seemed to enjoy my blush, and smiled triumphantly at me just before he turned to leave. _Damn that man_ , I swore to myself, trying to control my face. The effect he had on me was ridiculous.

"Did he just compliment your nail polish? That is one weird dude. I always thought so." Christian looked confused, but then again, if you didn't get the context between Dimitri and I, it was hard to understand our interactions.

Little did Christian know that, on the morning of my eighteenth birthday, a little more than a month ago, I had found a small package outside my door. Inside the box I had expected one of Adrian's ridiculously expensive gifts, or a cute pre-gift gift from Lissa. What it was, however, was a present sent by Dimitri. Inside it was a card, with a small message from Dimitri in his meticulous cursive, wishing me a happy birthday, and hoping I enjoyed the present. He had gotten me four bottles of nail polish, two in very conservative, daily colours, and two in crazy colours. Although it was such a little thing, just a way to remind me of my femininity like the lip gloss I occasionally wear, it felt like a much larger gift. It showed me just how much Dimitri listened to me, even when I complained about the most trivial things, such as when I got upset that I never wear nail polish anymore, even though I used to love it. I gushed for about an hour to Dimitri on the phone about how much I loved it, consequently making me about an hour late for class that day. Oh well.

When I look up, out of the daze I was in, remembering how much fun I have been having with the nail polish, I meet Adrian's eyes across the room. He was mad. Very, very mad.

 _Oh fuck,_ was all I could think, before making my way over to him.


End file.
